June 20th, 2021, Father’s Day
I was the only child that got you a gift, your two sons, the children you favor over me, did not get you anything, or even call you. I didn’t get you a gift because I wanted you to have one or that you even deserved one, but it would be pretty shitty of none of your children to get you a gift. I simply do it to avoid conflict.
When it comes to fathers you kind of suck. You loved me as a kid, and I loved you, but as I got older I could see all the bullshit you put our family through and I didn’t like it. Therefore, you don’t like me.
Here’s to you, dad, the first “man” to ever break my heart.
But I can’t say I’ve never learned from you.
I learned not only to lock, but to barricade my doors. And Heaven forbid what happens if I ever slammed a door or closed it too loudly.
I learned how to run fast. Really fast, and on my tip toes, too, so you wouldn’t hear me.
I learned how to listen to the television on the lowest volume setting there was, because if we accidentally woke you up, we would never hear the end of our “disrespect”.
I learned how to cook since you refused to.
I learned to walk long distances or ask my friends for rides since you refused to drive us anywhere.
I learned how to raise your autistic son since you were never around. You didn’t ever drink, or party, or see other women, you were always at the gym! Your fitness was the most important thing to you, and you told us that! ALL THE TIME!!!
I was the one that stood between you and your wife, as she was hiding, crying under the sheets as you belittled, threatened, and screamed at her. I as a fifteen year old that weighed just over one hundred pounds had to physically stand up for my mother because you wanted her to feel inferior.
You broke her heart year after year AFTER YEAR and she stayed with you. That’s not love. That’s fear.
You never let her sleep in the same bed with you, she was always on the couch. When she was sick of the couch and you wouldn’t let her in your bed she slept in my bed, her daughter’s.
You told her she wasn’t a good enough mother so you forced her to quit her job.
If dinner wasn’t made, dishes weren’t clean, laundry wasn’t folded, all by the time you came home, you would express your disappointment all night long.
I couldn’t take a shower past 9:00pm because the noise might “wake your father up”. I could never talk on the phone or even have friends over. I couldn’t even sing.
My mother put all your hate on my shoulders, she told me that her marriage is down the drain, there’s “nothing a bullet to the head won’t fix”, that part of her hated you and your son.
You threatened me and my brother all the time, you would corner us, push us, grab us, spank us with belts and spoons, pound on our doors, kick the dogs, threaten to “throw the pets in the garbage”.
Anytime I stood up for myself you would threaten me. So I started running. I ran away the first time when I was 13, and I ran away 3 more times after that. All throughout high school I was running away, packing bags to spend the weekends and holidays with friends. Staying hours after school, hiding behind churches at 6:00am. I worked 2 jobs when I was 16 just to stay out of your fucking house.
You chased me out of your house. You got rid of our cat and said “if the cat doesn’t go I will go”. You would punch the wall and belittle me while I was sobbing, begging you to please forgive me, telling you I was sorry, while you would tell me “I’m sorry. I love you so much but you just hate me.”
I am done with the humiliation of being your daughter.
I love you, but I really don’t like you. And I haven’t for some time.
“You have a hollowed out heart but it’s heavy in your chest
I tried so hard to fight it
But it’s hopeless.
Hopeless.
You’re hopeless.
Oh, father
Please, father
I’d love to leave you alone but I can’t let you go
Don’t you remember, I’m your baby girl?
How could you push me out of your world?
Lied to your flesh and your blood,
Put your hands on the ones
That you swore you loved.
Don’t you remember, I’m your baby girl?
How could you throw me right out of your world?
So young when the pain had begun,
Now forever afraid of being loved.”
-For The Love of a Daughter, Demi Lovato
Happy Father’s Day, Michael, here’s to you.
